Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Sour Apple Can Suck It

Hey. I liked lime. What was so wrong with it? I don't understand why green gets picked as the candy color to fuck with. As a child, I loved riding to the bank with my dad, and if the teller was nice, she would ask me what color lollipop I wanted. The answered was always the same: "Green please!" And it was lime, people, lime. Not Sour freaking Apple! Dear God I hate sour apple candy. You can be making your was through a bag of gummy bears and BANG get attacked with a blast of green citric acid bile from no where! Then, gagging, you look at the front of the package only to see: "NEW FLAVOR INSIDE!" Now that seems like an exciting prospect right? And normally would be, if the new flavor wasn't a horrible Frankenstein-like creation based, I can only assume, on what a green apple actually taste like. Oh and did we forget to mention, we got rid of one of the best flavors ever so we can steal the color green? Green like Frankenstein!? Eh? EH? I'm clearly on to something.

You remember sweet sweet lime don't you guys? It was that delicious citrus flavor that went so swimmingly with high fructose corn syrup in all it's sweet refined sugary forms. Gummy Bears, Mike and Ikes, Skittles, Lolly Pops, and Starbursts, which I actually don't really eat anymore due to my own self-imposed food nazi-ism, are all delicious in lime. Now lets pretend for the sake of science that I still devour these tasty sweets with the tenacity of a hyper-active 12 year old with ADD. That way my outrage is more justified, and less crazy.

The little citrus bite of lime just isn't good enough anymore, is it? I guess I've seen this coming for a long time. Sour apple gets to be the cool flavor while lime is left on the sidelines. And who exactly decided that lime was now out, and that sour apple is hip, young, and EXTREME? I don't remember them asking me, and I don't see how every fifth Life Saver tasting like appletini-flavored-battery-acid makes them better! And shame on Life Saver for hoping aboard the sour apple bile-train in the first place. Aren't they supposed to be protectors of the classic flavor code we all know and love?

Red is cherry and green is lime people! This has been ingrained in us since the dawn of man! Cavemen would eat red-cherry grubs and green-lime beetles. A tasty snack for the whole cave. Old as time people! We can't turn our backs on our traditional values now. Not at this pivotal moment in history. It's time to tell the sour apple mafia that their reign of terror is over. [Repost from original Nina blog]